Getting My Ass Kicked

The morning after my brother's wedding 35 years ago

A few days ago, I took a leisurely stroll through Millennium Park in Chicago. It was one of those picture-perfect early spring afternoons where the sun was shining, the breeze was gentle, and Chicagoans were out treating Lake Michigan like their personal front porch. Naturally, I gravitated toward The Bean because, well, who doesn’t want to stare at their own warped reflection? Spring break was in full swing, and the kids were out in droves, cracking jokes and living their best lives now that winter was finally over.

And then I heard those five words that make your soul do a double backflip: "I’m going to kick your ass!" I froze. Flashbacks hit me like a freight train to elementary school when a classmate threw down the same threat—and he meant business. Spoiler alert: I got my ass handed to me. I’ve always been more of a lover than a fighter, but that day left my pride limping.

That recent moment got me thinking: We live in a world obsessed with ass-kicking. From cartoons to Hollywood blockbusters, there’s no shortage of people throwing punches. Bugs Bunny was an absolute menace, and shows like King of the Hill and South Park turned getting your ass kicked into an art form. And let's not forget the movies Kick-Ass, John Wick, Kill Bill, or the films of OG Sonny Cheeba—cinematic masterpieces of butt whooping.

Here’s the thing: We love watching a good smackdown. Whether it’s WWE or just some reality TV meltdown, it's fashionable to be the bully. And yet, despite being 6 foot 3 inches tall and 230 pounds, I’ve found myself on the receiving end more times than I’d like to admit. It makes me wonder if I’ve had this whole ass-kicking thing backward.

When it really counts, do you stand or do you run? Once, back at the University of Minnesota, I saw a man assaulting a young woman. I yelled for him to stop, and when he bolted, I chased him across campus. My initial thought? "I’m going to kick this guy's ass." Half a mile in, though, it quickly turned into, "I need to quit smoking; I’m about to die." He was eventually caught and convicted of multiple sexual assaults. He probably got his ass kicked in prison.

Maybe getting your ass kicked is all about perspective. My brother John and I joke about it sometimes (though he did kick my ass pretty well back in high school). Life has a way of kicking your ass with more than just fists—there are ginormous bong hits, spicy food, COVID, your first real job, and even racquetball. But hey, I’ve also dished out my fair share of victories—being a great husband and father, for starters.

So, what’s kicking your ass these days? Are you rolling with the punches or learning to bob and weave through life’s wild currents? Like the resilient Greenland Shark, sometimes it's about biding your time and engaging when it really matters. And let’s be real: a solid crew of kick-ass friends makes the ride a whole lot better.